Fresno, CA – Fresno Yosemite International Airport
Let me put on my sarcastic hat for a moment and write to you from another perspective – indulge me please. And after, please share your “Do you know who I am?!” travel moments. How did you or a fellow traveler handle it? How did it make you feel about your travel experience? Thoughts and insights are welcome!
I’m traveling and I’m running late – real late, because for starters I had to pause outside of the non-smoking terminal in Fresno to take my last puff off my unfiltered Marlboro cigarette before I board my flight to Denver, and I don’t listen when “they” say you should arrive an hour-and-a-half at best before a flight. But hey it’s a small airport so I will be ok – I’m The Special One. I crowd my way up to the front of the ticket counter because my United flight leaves in 25 minutes and I am then outraged that they won’t check my bag. “But I’m only 20 minutes past the 45 minute cut off time!” I yell at the agent. “Who does she think she is?” I ask those in line who I just pushed out of the way in order to check in and make MY flight. No one answered me, but it doesn’t matter because I need to get to the gate. I don’t have time for pleasantries.
But first, I encountered what I didn’t expect. A long security line. Long. But, hey, I’m The Special One so I yell to everyone patiently standing in that long line “Does anyone have a problem with me cutting in? I have a 1:05 flight and I want to get home and see my kids?!” By this time I’m already at the front of the nearly 50+ people waiting in the snaking line. No one objected and hey, after all, I’m The Special One, I didn’t really think I had to check with everyone in line. And I didn’t. I frantically rush through security – I have only 15 minutes left! And I have to run down to the end of a very short concourse – damn the Fresno airport for not having less than 15 gates!
I arrive with 12 minutes to spare and find that the flight is delayed. Relief! But they wouldn’t have left without me, because I am The Special One. Kind of like that guy in the Bible who parted the Red Sea – that’s how I described it to the security detail who showed up when another flier had the audacity to tell me what I did at security was an “asshole move.” She said she and other fliers in the security line objected – they were also on the same flight and hoping to get through security in time to make said flight. She said they ALL objected…really? So I told her – loudly, with spittle coming out of my mouth and steam from my ears – that I TOLD everyone that I was playing the “Move To The Head of The Class” game. They didn’t have a choice! I had to make MY flight! Trust me, I didn’t let her get a word in edge-wise. I was yelling two inches from her face, just to make sure she didn’t miss a thing I was saying. Hell, I was on a roll. Everyone in the concourse was watching me (of course!) yell at this tart who dared question my importance in the world of travel, airports and security lines. She obviously didn’t know that I am The Special One. So I yelled even louder. And I let her know and everyone else west of the California/Nevada line that this was my entitled right and how dare she question me!
Several men, most bigger than me, came up and told me to back off yelling at her. But I told them, “it was her, not me! She was the one who started this by even suggesting that what I did was rude.” Actually, it brought back fond memories of my days as the school-yard bully. But I was also pissed, because I couldn’t finish the drink I ordered at the bar when I got to the gate, after my big sprint running over people, only to find out the flight was delayed! So I yelled at this WOMAN and in no uncertain terms told her where to go and to leave me alone so I could down my Vodka before the flight. I’m not sure why she didn’t fight back…I guess she was starting to understand that I am The Special One. Whatever, I turned on my heel and went to the gate only to find that we still weren’t boarding. Something about checking mechanicals on the airplane…I don’t have time for this, I told some other unimportant person standing next to me.
I suddenly realized people were pointing at me…AT ME! I mean really, all I did was rudely yell my way through the check-in process and security procedures, ran 15 gates pushing people out of my way and told off a woman in the loudest, meanest, ugliest way I can so I could make MY flight on time. Seriously, these people have to get a life and stop treating me like I am not The Special One.
I head back to the bar, where the woman of my nightmares is calmly sitting and talking to the others there. My drink was gone…WTH? I sparred with her a bit – this was after all, her fault and I told her so. She said something about other people in the security line who were also on this flight “waiting patiently” and that I was “disrespectful.” Whatever that means…. It’s not my fault they weren’t as ingenious as I was to take my rightful spot at the front of the line! Who are these people?!
Better yet, who are the two uniformed officers here to question me? ME! I tell them what happened. Turns out some other unimportant person had also called them about my time at the ticket counter. Do these people not know they are spoiling my day? The officers went and talked to The Nightmare, as I now call her, and have informed me that I am being disruptive. Disruptive! I’ll show them disruptive! I went back to The Nightmare but before I could land the punch, all these men were on me, holding me back. Seriously, whose side are they on?
So despite my best efforts and the fact that I am The Special One, I learned that the lock up at Fresno Yosemite International Airport is actually quite spacious for such a little place. They didn’t let me make the flight so I don’t get to see my kids as soon as I had hoped. They are trying to decide about “charges” to press. Whatever! They said The Nightmare was cooperative and calm and that all the other unimportant people in the concourse backed up HER story. Unbelievable! They even said she made the flight! MY flight!
I am hoping these Fresno security guys hurry up and figure out that I am The Special One – I have some more lines to jump, people to punch and faces to yell at. It’s hard being me, but hey – I usually get exactly what I want. I would have today if it weren’t for The Nightmare. But instead, I’m spending another night in Fresno and I even have to pay a change fee on my ticket!
What is the world coming to???